I feel as though it would only be proper to begin this blog with the story behind it... Not many people understand why one would choose to become a full-time missionary (unless maybe you're Mormon). Quite frankly, I never even imagined I would be a missionary like this either.
Traveling + Telling People About Jesus = Cool. But actually doing that for a living? A dream.
Even now I am still struggling to grasp the reality that I am leaving. I haven't even begun packing, although that should change in the next 24 hours...we'll see ;-)
In all the chaos of this summer, let me share with you a bit of how this all came to be.
It all started one extremely hot Saturday in June. I was at a graduation party with a portion of my One Voice family, and we were talking and visiting. My friend C. had just returned from Fire and Fragrance about 2 weeks prior and I had made the comment that I would love to do Fire and Fragrance, Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, or even International House of Prayer University!
I spent the rest of the weekend pondering that question.
The truth: I was afraid.
I was afraid of being the person who could step out of the "normal," American, college-aged kid lifestyle (as if the life I was living was already normal!) and do something completely different. I was afraid to be the one who would pretty much abandon the little routine I had established at my home, leave the family I had made through One Voice, leave my home church, and even leave my mom to really break out and find out what God had for me.
Sunday night I ended up at my mother's house and I decided to propose the idea to her.
I said, "Hey, Mom? What would you do if maybe I didn't go to an accredited college? What if I went to, like, YWAM, or Bethel, or something?"
Her reply was equivalent to what-else-on-earth-would-you-do-?.
"Well, what if I went to YWAM, or Bethel, or something. Or IHOP-U?" I repeated.
"I would say we should look more into it, but I just want you to make the best decision to get you to where you want to be."
Monday night she texted me again, even more encouraging.
"How would you decide where to go?"
"Praying." That was the answer. The only answer.
That Monday I began praying, "God, I don't want to leave. I really don't want to leave One Voice. But if You want me to go, I will. But You need to make it EXTREMELY obvious where You want me to go, because I am not going to leave without knowing 100% You want me to."
I prayed until my fear of the possibility of leaving left, and then I said, "God, I don't want to leave One Voice! I really, really don't want to. If You really want me to go, I want Brian's blessing, but I don't want to tell him I am praying about leaving until I have a decision." A split second later, I changed my mind. "You know what? Forget it. You just tell me where to go and I will figure out how to tell Brian from there." Not wanting everyone to know the decision I was praying on, I told very few people. Probably five at most, including my mother.
That same Wednesday, I unexpectedly ran into C. again. (Seeing as he doesn't live in Elk Grove, it was pretty surprising.) I told him how my mom approved of YWAM or BSSM (IHOP-U had been ruled out, due to distance). C. was so excited, telling me wonderful things about F&F Harrisburg.
"If you went to YWAM, would you go to Kona or Harrisburg?"
"I'm really not sure.. I'm sort of feeling like Kona, I'm still praying on it."
"Well, keep praying on it!" C. said. "Let me know when you get the word, and I can call my friends over there and tell them your coming. You would like Harrisburg more. It's more community. Kona is more campus."
That night I went home, and I said, "God, I don't want to go to Harrisburg. If I go to YWAM, I want to go to Kona.... You're gonna send me to Harrisburg because that is the one place I don't want to be, aren't You?"
Filled with an anticipation to know and restlessness in my Spirit, I spent nearly every spare moment I had praying, many times just repeating myself. God, I don't know what else to say about this! This might be stupid to say, but I will go where You want... I will go where You want...
About five days later, I remember I was praying again silently in the shower, and out of nowhere I shouted, "I'M GOING TO HARRISBURG!" Then I stopped myself. Did I just say I was going to Harrisburg? That was weird...Oh, gosh... He's really going to send me there... It's not like it's Kona. Kona is beautiful... Harrisburg? I'm pretty positive Harrisburg isn't even cute. Ugh...okay...so how am I gonna tell Brian? He's not even in Elk Grove, and he probably won't be back until the end of summer... I spent the next week leaving it open for God to change His mind from Harrisburg to Kona. Part of me hoped that maybe I had misheard. At least, if I went to BSSM, I could be with my family in Redding. Redding was just a few hours away from home, and Kona? Kona would be beautiful, which would make up for the geographical distance. I knew I had heard right. I told God, "I will go where You want." Now I have to go...
Traveling + Telling People About Jesus = Cool. But actually doing that for a living? A dream.
Even now I am still struggling to grasp the reality that I am leaving. I haven't even begun packing, although that should change in the next 24 hours...we'll see ;-)
In all the chaos of this summer, let me share with you a bit of how this all came to be.
It all started one extremely hot Saturday in June. I was at a graduation party with a portion of my One Voice family, and we were talking and visiting. My friend C. had just returned from Fire and Fragrance about 2 weeks prior and I had made the comment that I would love to do Fire and Fragrance, Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, or even International House of Prayer University!
Then C. asked the question.
"Why not?"
That question stuck with me.
Why wouldn't I go to one of those schools instead of the local Bible college?
What was holding me back?
I spent the rest of the weekend pondering that question.
The truth: I was afraid.
I was afraid of being the person who could step out of the "normal," American, college-aged kid lifestyle (as if the life I was living was already normal!) and do something completely different. I was afraid to be the one who would pretty much abandon the little routine I had established at my home, leave the family I had made through One Voice, leave my home church, and even leave my mom to really break out and find out what God had for me.
Sunday night I ended up at my mother's house and I decided to propose the idea to her.
I said, "Hey, Mom? What would you do if maybe I didn't go to an accredited college? What if I went to, like, YWAM, or Bethel, or something?"
Her reply was equivalent to what-else-on-earth-would-you-do-?.
"Well, what if I went to YWAM, or Bethel, or something. Or IHOP-U?" I repeated.
"I would say we should look more into it, but I just want you to make the best decision to get you to where you want to be."
Monday night she texted me again, even more encouraging.
"How would you decide where to go?"
"Praying." That was the answer. The only answer.
That Monday I began praying, "God, I don't want to leave. I really don't want to leave One Voice. But if You want me to go, I will. But You need to make it EXTREMELY obvious where You want me to go, because I am not going to leave without knowing 100% You want me to."
I prayed until my fear of the possibility of leaving left, and then I said, "God, I don't want to leave One Voice! I really, really don't want to. If You really want me to go, I want Brian's blessing, but I don't want to tell him I am praying about leaving until I have a decision." A split second later, I changed my mind. "You know what? Forget it. You just tell me where to go and I will figure out how to tell Brian from there." Not wanting everyone to know the decision I was praying on, I told very few people. Probably five at most, including my mother.
That same Wednesday, I unexpectedly ran into C. again. (Seeing as he doesn't live in Elk Grove, it was pretty surprising.) I told him how my mom approved of YWAM or BSSM (IHOP-U had been ruled out, due to distance). C. was so excited, telling me wonderful things about F&F Harrisburg.
"If you went to YWAM, would you go to Kona or Harrisburg?"
"I'm really not sure.. I'm sort of feeling like Kona, I'm still praying on it."
"Well, keep praying on it!" C. said. "Let me know when you get the word, and I can call my friends over there and tell them your coming. You would like Harrisburg more. It's more community. Kona is more campus."
That night I went home, and I said, "God, I don't want to go to Harrisburg. If I go to YWAM, I want to go to Kona.... You're gonna send me to Harrisburg because that is the one place I don't want to be, aren't You?"
Filled with an anticipation to know and restlessness in my Spirit, I spent nearly every spare moment I had praying, many times just repeating myself. God, I don't know what else to say about this! This might be stupid to say, but I will go where You want... I will go where You want...
About five days later, I remember I was praying again silently in the shower, and out of nowhere I shouted, "I'M GOING TO HARRISBURG!" Then I stopped myself. Did I just say I was going to Harrisburg? That was weird...Oh, gosh... He's really going to send me there... It's not like it's Kona. Kona is beautiful... Harrisburg? I'm pretty positive Harrisburg isn't even cute. Ugh...okay...so how am I gonna tell Brian? He's not even in Elk Grove, and he probably won't be back until the end of summer... I spent the next week leaving it open for God to change His mind from Harrisburg to Kona. Part of me hoped that maybe I had misheard. At least, if I went to BSSM, I could be with my family in Redding. Redding was just a few hours away from home, and Kona? Kona would be beautiful, which would make up for the geographical distance. I knew I had heard right. I told God, "I will go where You want." Now I have to go...
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